dragonprincessmew:

In my defense, your honor, I really am the dumbest bitch alive

sweetiesugarbird:

penfairy:

When my parrot wants pets off someone he’ll go up to them, say hello, and lower his head to expose his neck. Recently, however, he’s been doing this to a pitch black crevice behind the couch, even trying to cajole the darkness with kissy noises and getting sad when the void won’t pet him. How do I explain that dark chasms are not friends?

There’s a ghost in there

lunarcanine:

dragon-in-a-fez:

consider: teenagers aren’t apathetic about everything they’re just used to you shitting all over whatever they show excitement about

Teen: *gets a job*

“I GOT THE JOB!”

Parents: Well, when I was your age, I already had 5 jobs and was supporting my family

abcoconut:

slytherinpokegirl:

How Obama joked: here is a video of my birth *shows clip from Lion King*

How Trump jokes: haha my vice president wants to kill all the gay people

Hey future historians, please note that although tumblr is a fountain of hyberbolic sarcasm, there is exactly 0% sarcasm or hyperbole in this post.

tenderlesbian:

lesbeans-on-toast:

tenderlesbian:

the whole “no one is straight or gay” thing is Bad because 1.) you’re saying that straight people, aka our oppressors, aren’t really straight and can be included in our community 2.) you aren’t progressive for saying gay men and lesbians don’t exist lmao you sound like a conservative

i had to quit my lgbt group at school bc literally everyone in it (minus maybe 2 people?) insisted it was impossible to be gay and it was wrong for me to say i was a lesbian without giving men a real chance can we just collectively agree to Stop

literally i wasn’t wrong when i said they sound like homophobic conservatives LMAO

financiallymint:

mybuckystar:

• you will in fact continue to have acne past the age of twenty
• you will eventually hit a point where you start to feel icky inside if you go too long without eating some sort of vegetables
• depending on your current level of athleticism/physical activity as well as the kind of activities you did as a kid/teenager, your joints may start acting whack in your twenties, despite what everyone says about that not happening until middle age
• eventually you will reach a point where you wonder how you were able to stay up until 3am nearly every night and be perfectly fine the next day (and this moment will come much younger than you expect)
• it is much harder to meet new people after you’re done with school than sitcoms would have you believe
• don’t let society tell you shit: it is perfectly acceptable to live with your parents after you graduate, there’s no need to be broke and miserable just so you can have some misguided attempt at independence straight out of school

THIS