someone: i’m going to be as offensive as possible because i think it’s funny
other people: ok, we can’t stop you, but publicly offending large groups of people may lead to personal and professional consequences
them: wait no that’s not fair

Otabek: Yurio, wake up!
Yurio: I’m not sleeping, I’m dead. Leave flowers and get out.

child: d-d
parent: daddy? dad? what are you trying to say??
child: doh. doh doh doh doh doh doh doh doh this hit, that ice cold michelle pfeiffer, that white gold, this one for them hood girls them good girls straight masterpieces

Me: *makes a small irrelevant mistake*
My Brain, banging pots and pans together: YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUCKED UP YOU FUC
Me: *makes huge mistake that will directly affect my future horribly*
My Brain, lounging on a lawn chair with shades on: ….acknowledged

harry potter books rated by the mention of swans

philosophers stone: no mentions. 0/10
chamber of secrets: fawkes is described as the size of a swan. a heart stopping moment. 8/10.
prisoner of azkaban: no mentions. 0/10.
goblet of fire: fawkes again mentioned as the size of a swan. just as exciting as the last time. 8/10.
order of the phoenix: fawkes once more mentioned as the size of a swan. a happy occasion as always. cho’s patronus is a swan. a thrilling and heart warming moment. 10/10.
half blood prince: no mentions. disgusting of a book this size. 0/10.
deathly hallows: when neville opens the portrait of ariana the portrait is said to have ‘swang open’. When the only mention of a swan is inside another word you know it’s a bad read. 1/10.

me: *displays affection by giving you links to posts i think are relevant to your interests*

someone: you’re cute
me: I am an atrocity to god, but thank you

Intrusive thought: I suggest we do this violent destructive thing
Me: I am quite certain that I have no desire to do this thing
Intrusive thought: I’ll just continue to remind you in case you change your mind

los campesinos!, releasing a new song: here. have this. it’s-
me, tearing up, immediately holding onto it for dear life: thank you for my life

Pokémon Professors: Pokémon… So wise… If only they could speak… What wisdom would they impart to us foolish humans…
Rotom Dex: ZZ-ZZ-ZZ HOT DIGGITY PAL BINGO CARD ZZ-ZZ-ZZ