Boundary Myths

anonymouslivejournal:

Myth: If I set Boundaries, I’m being selfish.
Fact: Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others.

Myth: Boundaries are a sign of disobedience.
Fact: A lack of boundaries is often a signal of disobedience. People who have shaky limits are often compliant on the outside, but rebellious and resentful on the inside.

Myth: If I begin setting boundaries, I will be hurt by others.
Fact: Boundaries are a litmus test for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness.

Myth: If I set boundaries, I will hurt others.
Fact: Boundaries are not an offensive weapon; boundaries are a defensive tool. Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. They simply prevent injury.

Myth: Boundaries mean that I am angry.
Fact: Anger tells us that a boundary has been violated. This is generally not new anger, it’s old anger. It’s often years of no’s that were never voiced, never respected, and never listened to.

Myth: When others set boundaries, it injures me.
Fact:  An inability to accept other’s boundaries can indicate a problem in taking responsibility.
Fact: Past, inappropriate boundaries set on us as children can injure us.

Myth: Boundaries cause feelings of guilt.
Fact: We need to distinguish between those who give to get and those who truly give.
Fact: Just because we have received something doesn’t mean we owe something.

Myth: Boundaries are permanent, and I’m afraid of burning my bridges.
Fact: You own your boundaries. They don’t own you.
Fact: If you set limits with someone, and they respond in a mature and loving way, you can negotiate the boundary.

Could & Townsend, 1992, ps. 103-120