human: *is heating up food*
alien: why are you doing that?
human: you see i want the particles in my food to vibrate at just the right frequency
Human: *is eating ice cream*
alien: wait you forgot to make that one vibrate!
human: well, you see, not with this food
This one is already vibrating at he desired frequency, but if it starts to vibrate at a higher frequency I lock it back in the cold box.
Human: *just reheated pizza in the oven*
Other human: *is eating a slice of the same pizza, but cold*
Alien: *exasperated sputtering*
Human: shots! shots! shots!
Alien: this liquid has negligible nutritional value and, furthermore, contains some molecules that I believe are poisonous to your species.
Human: …look, sometimes we just like to gather in social groups and disorient ourselves
Human: *grabs a packet of ramen*
Alien: Based on my research of your species, you shouldn’t be able to consume that without suffering heavy detriment to your human body.
Human: …look man, I’m in college. I can barely afford this house with roommates. Let me appreciate this 50 cent block of sodium ridden noodles.
Alien 1: The human consumed this harmful “ramen” because it is affordable. I saw many others consuming unhealthy but affordable foodstuffs from a place called McDonalds. Based on this, I think we can reasonably assume that all foodstuffs that are unhealthy are also affordable, and that humans will slowly die off because of their economic system.
Alien 2: I visited a different land mass. There were several humans called “sushi chefs” preparing raw fish foodstuffs. The most expensive was made from the carcass of a poisonous blowfish. It was very popular among the wealthy humans.
Alien 3: The land I visited had no nearby places to engage in commerce to trade precooked food. I interviewed a family that trapped and killed animals for dinner. They ate venomous rattlesnakes.
Alien 1: *throws clipboard in the air and storms off*
[Human casually munches peppers]
Alien: According to my scans, that organic matter contains highly corrosive chemicals. Are you sure you should be consuming it?
[Human chokes]
Alien: Human! Are you injured? Do you require assistance??
Human: Ahahaha no no I’m fine, it’s just *snicker* these are just jalapenos!
Alien: ……….request clarification?
Human: I usually go for habaneros, man. Hell, I have a buddy who took two bites of a ghost pepper on a dare.
[Alien consults space Google]
Human: ………Hey man, you okay?
I’m dying the alcohol one happened in Star Trek the original series
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